Alright gumbies, listen up. Today is the day i teach you how to be really cool: to get that next level climbing lingo. So you probably know what a jug is, how to jam and what a heinous offwidth entails. But really, you are only scratching the surface.
Stay calm my beating heart. Time to explore the new horizon of words that will rock you to your core.
So you didn’t want to get on your rig on the sharp-end this time around so you opted to top rope it. Holy cow, doesn’t it feel easy? Damn you’re at the rest! Keep climbing! Dude, you just clipped… er… touched the chains. Wow, great job. Looks like you just tredpointed that climb. Yikes, too bad you have to lover down and lead it now. Yep, i’m not kidding, that was a waste, should have lead it instead of being a baby.
Trashpoint (also a noun)
So you’re at the crag with your friends when you show your buddy your new rig. It’s this heinous project that just doesn’t let up. 200′ of pure overhanging madness. The crux is literally a Master Card that has been cut in half. Literally, i have stapled my cut in half Master Card to this climb and cannot send it. What gives. Why didn’t i just use a chisel?!
Okay buddy, sure you can give it a burn. But shouldn’t you warm up…. oh what? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK? DUDE CMON. YOU JUST SENT MY PROJ. ON YOUR WARM UP?
“#trashpoint the rig” -your friend’s instagram
Got it? Good. But seriously, Fred, why do you always do that to my proj? You know i’m not as good as you. Yeah, can you get my draws, please?
Toprope (TR) flash. I’m so bored of writing about trash.
Again, should of gotten on the sharp end.
Caldwelling, Caldwelled (verb)
When you are cooking and don’t realize that basically everything in your kitchen is made to injure your fingers in some disgusting, vile, brutal way. Or when you are working with power tools that can lop off a finger and you manage to cut only a hair off your pinky, or worse, cut a pad a bit too deep.
So you’ve gone and done it. You’ve cut your finger or worse, injured a pulley or cut off your entire pad. Let’s go to the gym anyways. Let’s go to your rig. Let’s just give it a try to see what happens (whatever, might as well train the other fingers). And then you send it.
Caldwelling is climbing your very best but your finger is totally FUBAR and you expected it to slow you down but deep within your heart you knew that you didn’t need that extra help.
Tommy if you’re reading this, you are my hero.
The real way to call a “free solo,” because a free solo only implies that you’ve done it in free style by yourself. Dammit, anyone that knows how to work a solosist is a free climber who solo climbs (super confusing).
“But free solo sounds so cool” -Gym dude
Actually, funny story: I over heard someone talking about being a free soloist before getting into climbing. He basically said that now he can’t get out of that mentality and that’s why he’s scared of climbing (at the gym, taking on those difficult 5.8 jug hauls) when he’s on a rope. I think he meant hiking, but who knows! Or perhaps he meant lying about being a ropeless climber.
“Free Soloing is Selfish”
Next level slang right here. Great insight. Most people will say this in an ironic way after talking about Honnlove for bit, but if you can see the white unicorn of the man who truly believes this, you are blessed.
Okay whatever. So is buying food so that you can eat it later. Damn you selfish ropeless warriors for choosing to do something that doesn’t affect that guy who is talking trash at the gym on the bouldering mat. Don’t worry bub, I don’t think you’re going to free solo any time soon with the amount of Elvis-leg you get on hold #3 on the blue route.
Anyhow, be sure to drop this gem in during conversation. Who cares if you aren’t even talking about climbing? Whisper this under the sheets. It is a sure way to turn on the libido of any aspiring gumby, even if that aspiring gumby is you.
A sloper crimp. The most deadly of the crimps because there is no catch and so you will not be holding this one for long. Or maybe this means something else really awkward since my buddy kept talking about grabbing some slimps. Now that i think about it it may be a sex thing.
Short for very hard but also a little bouldering joke! Laughing-Out-Loud.
Rich Simpsoned (verb)
Saying you climbed something and then flail all over it and makes people really doubt whether or not you actually climbed it in the first place. Or that guy who sprays but there is no way he’s climbed a 5.13d, even if it was on top rope at that obscure crag back in the day.
Back in the day
A time where people could climb 5.12 in their sleep, rapped off nails that were rusted through and did a 10 ft dyno while it was pouring outside and landed it only to see the hold crumble as they dynoed to the next mono pocket. Did i mention quick draws were made of wood?
The God of all that is climbing. He is the one lord who sent Christ Sharma, his only son, to Earth to send 5.15 and to spread the good word of the Pontas shoe and the rasta-rope.
…kinda looks like he’s sending
Honestly, pray to Sendus and send your rig. That simple. Easy Easy. Sendus is a fair god. He doesn’t want you to dog. He wants you to get on that rig and just scream your lungs out as you claw at every hair of stone left on the climb. He wants you to rain your sweat onto the earth and pry on those minuscule, worthless crystals. He does not forgive, but he rewards. Bless you, Sendus. Bless you for rock climbing and bless you for the send.
Our Father, who send in heaven, send us our daily send.
It’s not about how hard you climb, brosef, it’s about the sheer movement. Climbing is so beautiful and spectacular, numbers are just a theory based in the minds of men.
You know that guy at the crag that has dread, beads in his hair, who is wearing attention grabbing sweatpants made of pajama material with sesame street print, talking about all the climbs he’s done and dropping the hardest between telling you about his bender on mushrooms that changed his life? That guy, let me tell you, is spraying in a whole other, next-level, type way.
Basically next time someone asks you how hard you climb, just throw this little gem down.
I climb what i climb. It may be hard or easy but i just love the movement and the nature of it, i don’t do it to stay within a system.
To him, the enlightenment spray sounds like gold and that he’s a rock warrior. To everyone else it sounds like horse shit avoidance that is garbage and he probably climbs like a fart. Actually he does, but he thinks he may become the next Honnold.
Not to be confused with the Humble Pie, the guy who does all of this and then crushes 5.14+. (I would link you to pimpinandcrimpin.com but they are down at the moment)
A climb you don’t even want to climb no more. Generally, you talk about this in a future term. Like that one that spits you off on that one move and you just flash it to the top once you get back on. Damn it. Damn that damn project that isn’t even worthy of being a project.
I don’t think i’m doing to dreadpoint this awful climb any time soon
It’s probably because it’s a high gravity day. Dreadpoints are often things you don’t want to be seen on, much less be seen falling on. It’s generally a route that isn’t even that hard but is giving you so much trouble. Anyhow, get at them. Let Sendus know you are coming and you want some. These are the climbs that actually test you more than those soft super-classics you keep wanting to send.
Make sure to comment on this post if you think of anything else that I don’t know about in climbing terms. Chances are that you are wrong and that i was just saving it or that your term is really common and that you are a gumby. Sorry.